This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
