Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
