Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The uberlube is also flammable
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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