i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
