Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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