My friends, they love my intelligence
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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