dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
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Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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