i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
