After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
being pregnant is like rehab
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
