you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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