Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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