I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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