I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
