ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
