I wish I could teleport
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
