Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
