I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
