I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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