My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
