White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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