Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My penis needs a shock collar
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
