if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
