Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
