the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
