I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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