none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
