Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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