we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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