two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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