you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
