you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
