it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
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votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
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That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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