Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
