dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
