I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We left the knife in your bed.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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