dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Still dying that you shit outside
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
