please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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