U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
