there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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