oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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