I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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