I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
