When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
In America we eat man semen.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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