I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
