Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
