i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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