It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
