I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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