i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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