dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
