i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
