The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
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it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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