My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
