I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
