sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
